Riding Journal part 1

I'm taking horseback riding lessons this summer. My teacher told me to keep a journal. I keep forgetting to buy a notebook so i'm going to write on here. You can choose to read it or not but it's mostly for me.

First let me explain that while I feel a little selfish taking these horsemanship lessons I know it's something I need to do. I have always felt drawn to horses but the opportunities to be around them have been few and far between. I've also kind of been fighting it. I thought I would grow out of it or forget about wanting to work with horses but I never have. The moment I decided to sign up I felt peace. Not an overwhelming peace but a calm sense of being ok with myself for the first time in years and years. Like after acknowledging this part of me, other parts of me fell into place, too. I'm eager to learn... I feel like I'm behind 20 years! I also felt like official lessons were the best place to start.

Yesterday was my 5th lesson. Boy it was neat! Marlene had me on bareback again and she wanted me to lope. I loped bareback last week but i fell off and she didn't have her camera. So I warmed up the horse on the ground. I love this part. I always wondered what cowboys on the shows were doing in the roundpin. I feel like i really get to understand the horse and their responses. I'm still not very good at it, though. Then she said can you jump on the horse and I said "probably" so I did. She was so impressed. Can't everyone do that? she said none of her other students can (though most of them are quite young and subsequently short).

Walk, trot, turn around. Still in the roundpin. I couldn't get him to lope by myself so Marlene said she would control his speed and I just work on me (the horse already knows how to do all this. Poor creature has to walk around while I figure him out) It took a while as I kept losing control of my balance.

She said she works me harder than any of her other students and never does this by the fifth lesson. I said "cool" and I meant it. There's so much I don't know that I don't even know what I'm supposed to know or what level other students are at but I know I want to be pushed and learn as much as I can.

The horse kept slowing down when my balance goes askew. He was taking care of me. Good horse. Finally... magic! two times loping around the roundpin and she slowed him down. It was amazing to feel the horse move like that and move with him and not fall off! You just can't feel that in a saddle! I was in heaven with a big grin on my face. Marlene was so happy and said none of her other students can do that. Her Son in Law got pictures so I'll post those soon after I steel them from her blog.

Well, now what?

Now it's over. I have mixed feelings. It was such a blessing to be able to work but have my baby with me all winter. He loved playing with the kids. I'm excited to just get to be a mom and wife all summer. I feel like I get to try it on for size. The only time I've been a stay at home mom was the first few months of Rocky's life and I was sooo tired I could hardly function (yes, for three months. How can real maternity leave be only 6 weeks?!) I'm looking forward to keeping my house clean(er) cooking things that take longer than 20 minutes, and getting started on Rockwell's scrapbook. But now this Blog is in limbo. I need a new name for it. Any suggestions?

Just Another Reason

The first six months of babysitting the kids adored Rockwell. He was he sweet baby that I carried around all day while I fixed their lunches and tied their shoes. They could look at him and smile at him but he didn't disrupt their lives too much. A few months ago as he started to become mobile he began to fill the roll of "the annoying little brother". Little Sister doesn't like to share attention, toys, air. Is this a two year old thing or baby of the family thing? Well she hits him, pushes him, yells at him, and shakes her finger at him. Boy! It makes my blood boil! I don't care how old she is or isn't, she just hit my baby! She just made my baby cry! I attempt to control my rush of maternal instincts as I try not to throw her from the top of the stairs into her bed for a time out- a time out that somehow doesn't seem harsh enough. I won't miss this this summer. Not. One. Bit.

One....more.... week....

The multiple periods in the title in between words can be read as gasping breaths, such as one who is at the end of the marathon, crawling on hands and knees sucking huge gulps of air as they crawl to the finish line that is finally in sight. That is what I feel like. I'm convinced the first two weeks and the last two weeks of a job are the hardest. My brain can't take it anymore! I confess my temper is somewhat shorter than previously and my patience is wearing thin. I want summer!!!

As I look back I would like to share with you, my dear hypothetical readers, some insights I have gained over the past nine months. Keep in mind that at times I literally felt like i had three kids so the insights are somewhat maternal. Here goes....

1- Pre-emptive strikes are wonderful and necessary when getting through the day with children. Strikes such as "If you hit him you will get a time out" or "don't ride that stroller down the staircase" or especially "leave your clothes on!". Such things prevent more work and frustration in the long run.

2- Two choices. Stick to them. "you can have noodles or a sandwich for lunch" if they want mac and cheese and you don't feel like making mac and cheese, this helps chase thoughts of it from their minds.

3- kids sure are perseverant. When they say things like "can I have ice cream" and they haven't even had breakfast yet so of course you say no, they keep asking. I don't know what good they think it's going to do. I personally took the route of repeating myself only twice and then ignoring them. And then ignoring the tantrum to follow. It's rough but man! I hate repeating myself.

4- One more thought... I don't know if it takes more energy to yell and scream or to keep calm. I appreciate that I had the opportunity to practice dealing with different situations calmly. Sometimes I was successful and sometimes I wasn't. I liked that I got to practice the advice i found in my Parenting magazine and find out some of the things that work for me and things that don't. I honestly feel more prepared (though I hardly believe you can ever be fully prepared for what life throws your way) for my own kids and how I want to treat and act towards them.

Thank You

Today I am grateful for all those wonderful women who I think are wonderful mothers for admitting to me ( on their blog or otherwise) that they don't always handle situations as they think they should. I take comfort knowing that they, too, have had days like mine today and I don't feel so alone.

The Home Stretch

Well, exactly two more weeks here and my services will no longer be needed du to the fact that school will be let out for the summer and both Mom and Dad are teachers. It's really kind of bitter sweet. Mostly sweet. We've really fallen into a comfortable routine. Little sister even treats my baby as though he were her annoying little brother now that he can crawl and get into her things. Seriously, this morning he was playing with a basketball that she has never cared for or touched, but as soon as he wanted it, it suddenly became her prized possession. She bosses him around and shakes her finger at him and tells him "no" and shuts him out of the kitchen. She jus let's that adult-sized personality shine through. The Captain is so sweet to my baby and to Little Sister.this morning he even picked out her clothes and helped her get dressed.
I am looking forward to summer and to just being a mom and taking care of my baby and husband. Come fall I will be working at an elementary school part time as a paraeducator. I'm excited because it will be part time and wont be babysitting. As for the future of this blog, I will update it one or two more times then change he name and make it into a more general thoughts and feelers and all sorts if stuff probably no one wants to read kind of blog but I will be fun to express myself.
If you get a moment, please refer to the list of books I read these last nine months. I must say I'm pretty proud of that list

Realizing Mom

I remember when I realized my mom didn't really cook for us kids. I was probably in my late teens. I realized she cooked for my dad and made enough for the rear of us. I was so disappointed. Now I make lunch for two kids each day and you know what? It's way more fun to cook for Troy, who appreciates the rosemary I put in my homemade spaghetti sauce than it is to cook for he kids who would rather eat the cheap stuff from the can nuked in the microwave. Or hot dogs.

I remember (Again I think I was in my late teens) when it dawned on me that my mom has a sense of humor. I feel bad it took me so long. Today after I repeated more straight-faced tight-lipped requests because asking nicely wasn't getting anywhere ( I really rarely yell, if ever) and I felt my face turning into stone I wondered if my kids would ever know I have a sense of humor (albeit a dry one)

Today I thought of how great my mom is for staying home with us, bored and lonely as she was, as I sat babysitting five extra kids ( Mom has six) while tending to my own feverish child all day. Bored, stranded, and lonely.

I think I might be finally growing up